fyi

all right… this is probably the most wrong-headed blog entry i have written to date. but i hope readers at least get a laugh out of this entry of me enlightening ignorant single straight guys working the social scene: don’t hit on a lipstick lesbian. and know how to recognize one so you can avoid the disappointment of hurt feelings and not hear the ‘wa wa waaaa’ music track cue up in the movie of your dating life. a lipstick lesbian has the supreme confidence of knowing she is a full-on lesbian and not interested in anything else in her love life, and she loves to play charades with dumb dumb single straight guys. we gotta stick together and cover each others’ back. don’t hestitate to come forward and tell us of any experiences with a lipstick lesbian’s shenanigans, okay fellas? we’ll have a complete profile of her yet to post an all points bulletin, alerting all of our brethren!

here in san francisco where all is not what it seems on the surface, lipstick lesbians always prefer to appear shamelessly as ‘dirty girls’ who are ubër affectionate towards straight guys, which leads a lonely, desperate straight guy (and not a very perceptive and experienced one at that) to believe he has a chance. especially if he has made out with her because that really fucks with his best judgement. sure, they look super hot and are femme-d out in their trendy outfits with their boobs hanging out and all. but that is the paradoxical allure we straight guys must never succumb to again. resist the urge, unless you like experiencing humilation over and over again or like betting on odds that offer 0.00% success rate with an a.p.r. of 100% sheer humiliation for as long as your memory lasts. then go ahead and keep hitting on them, you blockhead dummy.

straight girls are usually poker-faced because they are trying to figure out how much they like a guy, so the first meeting is always awkward. but pay attention fellas, all hope is not lost because straight girls will always throw you a bone like asking for your number or contact info or some excuse to meet up again once they have warmed up to you before calling it a night on a very innocent first date. straight girls also like drawing out the courtship/seduction; expect to be in it for the long haul, guys. so, my practice is just to steer clear of women who are way too friendly and frisky and have the most charming laugh/smile or smell really good… i don’t even bother to make the effort on the remote chance that they are straight. fellas, it might not be the most attractive and tantalizing option to be sweet on the jittery, aloof mousy types with lousy social skills but at least there’s some kinda chance for real connection there.

it’s like a lipstick lesbian’s private little joke to bait a straight guy into thinking he has a chance, pretty wicked and cruel in my opinion, when she has already determined the outcome. like all-world cornerback deion sanders in his prime, baiting a quarterback to throw to his side of the field… you know that’s an automatic pick and 6 points the other way if you go there. i wouldn’t even be deluded into thinking that the receiver is open, especially if no. 21 disguises his coverage by playing way off him. it looks so inviting to try and complete a pass and make the big play, so you can be the mvp, but it’s ‘primetime’ who’s going to be player of the game. man, who wants to see that… deion/the lipstick lesbian flapping their arms or vogue-ing or doing some high-stepping fruity dance as they cross the goal line for the score… that’s what i’m talkin’ about fellas, getting it rubbed into your faces and being shown up. picture that ‘neon deion’ analogy fellas, and you will never again want to be lit up by a lipstick lesbian’s charade! i don’t want to see you get victimized anymore, and i got your back guys… honestly, i really do.